check back to when
by dontknowxdontcare
Summary: What if Castle had grown tired of waiting for Beckett? What if; when he walked away from her and josh at the end of the dirty bomb case… he was walking away for good… if instead of an until tomorrow- it was goodbye this time? Is it too late? (may raise to M dependant on audience)
1. Chapter 1

Check back to when

What if Castle had grown tired of waiting for Beckett? What if; when he walked away from her and josh at the end of the dirty bomb case… he was walking away for good… if instead of an until tomorrow- it was goodbye this time? Is it too late?

A/N I'm sorry if there is a skittish under layer to this fanfic I just seemed to be in the centre of a panic attack so I figured I'd write since I no longer have my guitar…. Anyway so I'll be here trying to make sure whoever reads this isn't wasting their time… I promise.

**"I'm checking out**

**Falling down**

**Breaking up**

**Without a doubt**

**I'm gone**

**And there's nothing you can say**

**Till I see your face**

**I'm checking out**

**Oh I'm checking out of this place"**

**CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE  
**

*KBPOV*

"I leave in a week-"Josh threw over his shoulder with an angry flare to his words "figure out what you want then-"he gave an ironic morbid chuckle "I guess… get back to HIM."

Before swinging her door open wide and exiting leaving the slab of wood ajar after it had returned swinging back from impacting the wall violently.

The shock finally settled in her bones as she levitated toward the door to close and lock it into place.

A look of amused denial crossed her features as she attempted to shrug his words off casually a soft 'pffft!' Rolling off of her tongue; before it dawned on her- she was alone… and she's being a fool lying to herself.

Collapsing unceremoniously onto her couch she allowed her head to roll back over the head rest as she exhaled deeply- a deep clench in her chest pulled her knees up toward her chin as she pulled herself up to rest her head in her hands and fight off the surge of panic and anxiety that had begun to surge viciously through her veins.

Her breaths began to run shallow and rough through her daze and her sense of time escaped her control and the urge to fall under into a restless sleep overcame her.

**CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE  
**

The words refused to push past the fowl lump in her throat as she looked on at her captain, pity and apology blurring his usually business like gaze as he looked on back at her.

Taking a steady breath she let out a less than steady;

"What do you mean?- he's gone?"

"He said he was here for research – and that's what he got…" Montgomery's gaze turned from concerned to curious as he asked; "did you two-"He paused "did you two fight?"

"n-no the last time I saw him was on Friday…" Montgomery had given them the weekend off so she had no real excuse to see him.

_*Flashback*_

_Castle turned to her and sighed._

_"Hell of a day, huh?"_

_"Hell of a day."_

_"You know, I was thinking... I was thinking maybe- I should go home. Get some rest. Long day… Goodnight." Her heart stuttered in anticipation before shattering slightly as he backed down abruptly- and so obviously._

_Castle backed away, leaving her a little confused._

_"Goodnight." She momentarily considered calling him on up on it before she felt Josh come up from behind her._

_"Oh, hey." As they hugged and she watched Castle retreat toward the elevator over Josh's shoulder._

_Castle stepped into the elevator and leant against the back wall defeat evident over his features._

_*flashback*_

Disbelief and fear settled themselves into her psyche throwing her concentration slightly as her jaw fell slack at the memory.

"I…" words failed her once more.

The captain looked as if he were about to ask her something but was cut short by the sharp ring of his mobile. He looked at the young detective with apology once more before motioning for her to leave the office whilst he took the call.

Had she done that? Had he left because of her?

**CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE  
**

*LATER ON THAT NIGHT*

The cold hard rain numbed her exposed skin, if she cared she might head home at the sight of the orange and grey bruise like blotches but since she didn't? She simply ran on.

The loud barley coherent music pounded in her ears, with its sole purpose being to block out her screaming thoughts seemed to only drive her to run on without care for the pain in her lungs or the burning pain in her overworked joints, since, as it seems, the pain in her heart was all consuming enough to warrant such neglect.

It could have been hours since she began her run; hell it could have been days since she last took a steady breath. But it didn't matter because she had hurt him.

The churning in her stomach that she had been actively ignoring pulled her to a halt, threw her over leaning and forced out the contents of her stomach violently.

She was a mess for sure.

And still she did not care.

**CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE  
**

*RCPOV*

She was everywhere.

In his dreams.

In his words.

In his heart…

And he hated every ounce of his self for it.

He tried to hate her. But he could not even bring himself to do that. Really it was his own fault for his immaturity- surly he should just be happy that she is happy? Happy that after everything- she was safe?

But no. His selfish heart with its inability to un-fixate itself from the fiery detective refused to even allow him that… allow them that.

Throwing down the lid to his laptop which housed the offending empty word document, he sat back and swirled the ice shards in his scotch around with the mere slight movement of his wrist, an audible clink every other beat as he did so, before throwing back the ice cold burning liquid into his throat.

He was a mess.

And still he didn't care.

**CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE CASTLE  
**

*KPOV*

They watched on as she wandered around the bullpen looking slightly dishevelled and completely lost.

In the early hours of Friday morning she had finally managed to take control of her emotions- by not allowing them to apparent at all. Half way through one of her favourite bottles of Russian vodka -that one of her friends over there had sent over for Christmas last year- she decided to stop and go on as life was before Castle, before his smile, his teasing, before… she slapped herself mentally, that being exactly what she was avoiding doing.

So she checked out.

Smiled politely at Espo and Ryan's attempts at cheering her up.

Declinded Lanie's frequent and 'meaning-well' invitations for girls nights.

And only let herself break when it was at a time that suited her busy cop timetable.

She was detective Beckett now.

And only Detective Beckett.

Every night she fell asleep with the hope that; maybe tomorrow- she'd see him again.

Maybe tomorrow…

A/N don't shoot for my obnoxious morbid-ness nor for the unavoidably cliché chapter ending but I really appreciate reviews they are like little love balls of happiness:3 any constructive criticism as well but any rants about how much you hate my virtual non-existent face would be appreciated through pm only c:


	2. Chapter 2

Check back to when

**Chapter 2**

**A/N sorry about the formatting mishaps! It turns out being new to uploading fanfics means that you are not entirely clear on what can and cannot be uploaded (format wise) sorry! I hope this upload works as planned- I wrote a really long winded A/N but frankly I sounded like a self centered jack ass so here have this instead :3 and by the way I have some serious love balls to send out for every sing review, favourite and follow! I look at my count then at some of my favourite writers and I guess I should feel as chuffed with myself but not gonna lie IM LIkE XD WiN c:**

RC POV

He was done feeling sorry for himself.

He threw himself into just that; himself.

He no longer needed to convince himself he was better off without Katherine Beckett- because he was. Everything she has ever said? A lie. A mirage. So why should he suffer for her falsities?

Sure he stopped writing- he didn't need to, with all the money he has made off of Nicki heat the slightly slutty but marvellously brilliant detective who holds guns… strategically… anyway point is he doesn't need to write for money- he is set for life. And the best part about being a writer? The books will always be there to buy even his e-book sales are through the roof!

He could settle with black pawn- point is he can do what he wants. When. He. Wants. So why is it- that still his nights were forever long and sleepless?

**Castle/castle/castle/caskett/castle/castle/castle**

KBPOV

4 weeks 2 days and an infinite amount of moments spent actively suppressing everything that is him.

She wished she could say there had been a subtle shift in the atmosphere surrounding her still monotonous shuffling around in the place of Kate Beckett. After the turn of the second week Lanie grew tired of the shadow that was once her friend and (rightly so) just- stopped asking over her, stopped checking in, stopped trying.

Javi and Kevin were far more reluctant (lasting nearly 3 weeks). At first assuming Castle had screwed up and hurt her- but soon they realised it was her who drove their 'honorary cop' into leaving. How it was her fault for pushing him so far away for not giving him what he deserved. What they both did.

It wasn't exactly anger the three expressed toward her, and only on few occasions was it pity. But disappointment burned behing their civil eyes- and hurt mostly…

Don't get it wrong- they had her back, they were cops, and it's what they did. They looked out for each other. But that's all they were- borderline work friends, and the worst part? She no longer cared either way…

**Castle/castle/castle/caskett/castle/castle/castle**

Alexis POV

She felt heavy guilt for the relief that spurred throughout her veins.

her father was safe... after everything that has happened over the past 3 years- he was safe, but was he?

Her father, clearly internally distraught, faking smiles and only very rarely showing any hint of his true self- he well… he wasn't HER father without Detective Beckett.

And she hated to admit this. And she hated very few things, she felt the word was far too strong and used far too often but to admit that her father needed Detective Beckett- and by extension she needed Detective Beckett… DESERVED a word like Hate.

The conflicting emotions in the young woman's heart sent her dizzy more often than not but she was determined to get her father back- and if that meant she had to slowly build him back up to himself on her she would, no questions asked.

But if that meant she had to bring him back to Detective Beckett- she would, no questions asked.

**Castle/castle/castle/caskett/castle/castle/castle**

KB POV

Every stupid love song made sense, too much sense, and she despised ever word.

Or maybe she just envied herself, herself before he left… or more just herself than any particular time because that is the point isn't it? She's just not herself without him.

Not anymore.

And the worst part is that he won't pick up the phone, answer her texts and he even told Tony and Jerry the doormen not to let her in his building! She was certain he's considering a restraining order (jokes on him-she can get it revoked… she thought to herself- wow she HAS lost it).

So it has been nearly 4 weeks since she had last seen him, talked to him…

Everything seemed to be a blurred collection of smudged seconds and ripped, tattered moments, it was crazy, she thought, how liken to the way she was after her mother's death (and before she found HIS books) she was right now.

Captain Montgomery has sent her for a phyche eval.

She knows why.

But he pretends that is it routine- forcing Esposito and Ryan to have one too (who also know the real reason for it).

She is more than aware that she is worrying him substantially so she can't exactly fault him on the order- the only problem she has really is;

She will no doubt fail it- and she cannot bring herself to care… that Is a very dangerous combination…

**Castle/castle/castle/caskett/castle/castle/castle**

RC POV

"Lanie?" he opened the door expecting the Chinese he'd order- but finding a very serious ME in its place.

"Fess up." She stood; hand on hip, eyes fixated on his with a stern glare.

"What?!" he feigned ignorance.

"oh ima slap you…" she rolled her eyes letting herself in- leaving a slightly dazed and confused Richard castle in her place, still staring back at where their eyes were connected seconds ago.

"please-" he drawled sarcastically "-come on in, make yourself at home, I insist" before rubbing his hand roughly over his stubble ridden chin, and up his face, with his left hand and closing the door swiftly with his right.

Alexis had left earlier on so he was home alone (emphasis on was) he quietly considered the woman before him, an awkward moment of silence passed but was abruptly interrupted by her soft concerned voice, flustering castle for a moment.

"why is it my best friend has been ordered for a psyche eval. And you have decided against gracing us with your presence as of late?"

"a psyche eval!?- NO you need to go-" panic flooded his system, returning to the door and opening it " you need to go now miss. Parish, I'll get back to you…" she made no move to leave "NOW" he declared, spooking her enough so that she would obey.

"she needs you and you need her, you both know it, so get over your self pited states and admit that if nothing else-"

"goodbye." Slamming the door roughly- collapsing against it in defeat after doing so.

She had to be lying. Ka- she had Josh, and he was staying, he is hers and she is his and I am… well … I have me… its probably just a routine eval. … he convinced himself feebly… yeah.

Routine.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N so- I'm sorry for the delay and my excuse is as follows;**

**this is my forth attempt at writing this chapter. Usually this will be because I have a million and one ideas of where to take the story running amuck inside my brain- or because every time I sit down to write I physically hate every word that I type.**

**But to be honest I've had pretty much the worst week of my life.**

**I had to break up with my boyfriend- the first guy (or anyone really) I've ever actually opened up to since my dad died and coincidentally I killed off both characters in one of my versions of this chapter… I'm glad I didn't upload it cos it was pretty morbid.**

**I had a French exam geography course work deadline and a catering exam that was 40% of my final grade … I pretty much failed all 3 ._.**

**Im gonna try and make sure this isn't too morbid but isn't too forced so bare with me… worst come to worst I'll send it to my friend ben (the writer333) from school for him to look over it .**

**With that out of the way- Я надеюсь, вам понравится моя история! (I hope that you like my story)**

_…_

_"Within my heart a memory,_

_A perfect love you gave to me,_

_Oh I remember-_

_Cos when you are with me,_

_I'm free,_

_I'm careless,_

_I believe-"_

_Creed- my sacrifice_

KB POV

Her façade had begun to crack.

The hole she has hidden herself in for so long, beginning to flood. And she was in search of dry land.

He was her dry land.

Since she could not have him to lean on? She turned to the bottom of the bottle in search of hope.

She had found her bitter haven in the confines of a run-down cavity in the mouth of 3rd avenue- crudely lit with a broken soft glow, and a barley there hum of static filled music flooded through the establishment filling the otherwise solemn silence- which broke only to the sounds of rough sighs and the odd low mumble of 'same again'.

She camped out in the far corner of the bar- raising her glass to the barmaid whenever she found it had become empty beneath her fingertips.

"Katie?" a surprised saddened voice coaxed her from her her silent hell.

"Dad?" there was a slight slur to the word as it passed her lips- turning to the man who stood not two feet from her, eyes sunken and burning red.

A rough stumble formed across his jaw that had not been there last time they had met for coffee, which was before this mess had evolved into madness.

"-baby its fine

You said we could just be friends

Well I came up with that line-"

"Change. It." The order from his daughters lips nearly threw him backward as her attention spun toward the bar maid who nodded knowingly in return before doing as instructed.

"Katie- what..." the question died on his upturned lips.

"he's gone dad-" she took a lengthened swig from her glass draining the contents leaving not yet melted ice which indicated she had been holding it for not even a minute… distaste and horror filled him as she motioned for a refill.

"Who? Who did this?" anger bubbled beneath his skin toward whoever broke- no shattered his daughters heart.

"me… I did this… I pushed him too far and now- he… Rick he…" the slur more potent through her words. Is this what it was like? For his daughter to watch him fall apart over one too many bottles of cheap scotch… if so- he would never drink again.

"Come on Katie we can go and get some coffee maybe head back to mine and talk for a while? Hmmm?" he offered to her.

"nahh… m'fine here…" before nursing the new glass in her hand light before throwing back the sharp burning liquid.

He thought travelled back to her college days…

Her wild phase…

She could remember the vivid scene as if it were yesterday;

_She sat, arm sprawled around Maddie's shoulders, laughing manically as the smoke sent her dizzy with the instant relief from the stress that had stored itself in her bones._

_They didn't make a habit of this- but when they did? Oh they did right. _

"_KB- we. Are. Awesome." Maddie slurred through her giggles._

"_s'true- so ver' ver' true!" the soft music that played around them separated them from the rest of the group in the basement of a friend of a friend._

The memory pulled a giggle from her lips- she would never do something like that again, since she joined the force- she stopped short mid thought.

"I've been suspended..." Jim looked at his daughter in shock as the words fell from her lips, tears welling up in her eyes. "Dad… I miss him…" her distraught sobs brought tears to his own eyes- pulling out his card and motioning to the bar maid that he will be covering the tab.

After she returned the card he led her out of the crumpled building and into a nearby cab- about to give the cabbie the directions for her apartment, she cut him of;

"Can we go home?" her voice childlike and feeble.

"Sure sweetheart-" before giving the directions for his house.

RC POV

This was a bad idea.

But he just cannot stay away any longer.

He had called the captain earlier on only to find out that indeed it were true.

She had been ordered a mandatory psyche evaluation, but not only that;

She had failed it.

The time grew ever closer to midnight as he pulled up out front of her apartment building.

He nodded toward one of her neighbours as he approached her door.

He raised his fist ready- hesitating for a moment before finding it in himself to knock.

After a moment he knocked again.

"Kate?" he called lightly, confused.

He opened his phone and typed in her number (from memory since he had deleted her number already).

He heard it ring within her apartment.

Worry burned in his veins as a million and one scenarios buzzed behind his eyes. He bustled in his pockets for his keys as he looked at each one carefully locating the key she had given him not long before this mess had torn them apart.

Shaking slightly as he inserted the key in the lock he paused, un locked?

He turned the knob and to his horror it opened easily.

Her phone still ringing he located it, screen cracked it lay at the foot of the wall across from her couch. He ventured through the rooms subconsciously tidying the area as he went along.

His writer's imagination running away from him as he pieced together the events that led to her whereabouts.

The empty bottle of Russian vodka that stood next to a tall glass which smelt strongly of the chemical like aroma, but was also empty- this told him that wherever she was- she was probably getting more of… this.

Her keys were missing and an empty space by the door in the row of shoes told him she had indeed gone willingly- the unlocked door suggesting a quick return he deduced that she had merely gone to the liquor store.

He then busied himself tidying the rest of her apartment- including her Styrofoam temple filled fridge, silently vowing filling it with real food upon her return.

The clock edged toward 4am as he settled himself on her couch, readied for her return, he closed his eyes for just a moment, the smell of vanilla and cherry and… her surrounding him and pulling him into a sleep filled trance.

She would be there upon his waking and they would talk. Were his last thoughts. Before sleep devoured him.


End file.
